A Few Words From The Hospital

Greetings from my 3rd hospital stay for the same spontaneous pneumothorax. Today is my 8th day (and hopefully last day if they release me later this afternoon after a check-up from the surgeon - I got the chest tube pulled out this morning), which makes this hospital stay slightly shorter than the 11-day duration 2 months ago, and a breeze compared to the 21-day marathon I had 4 months ago. Speaking of marathons, at least the Olympics were on TV this time, so I wasn't quite as bored out of my mind. Now, if the hospital wireless network wouldn't block 50% of my oft-frequented websites, then I wouldn't mind so much being in the hospital. What follows now will be some random thoughts from this most recent hospital stay (in no particular order).

-- FOLEY CATHETER
Yes, the dreaded urinary catheter. For lung surgery this time, I specifically requested no catheter because I didn't seem to have any problems at Cayuga Medical Center without one. However, it seems like the anesthesia they use here at Mercy Hospital always renders my bladder useless, so they had to use the catheter the day after surgery. What made this catheter experience even worse was the fact that it took TWO (2) tries before they got one into my bladder to drain the urine away. Having a catheter shoved up your dick and then pulled back out is by no means a pleasant experience, so I worked hard to prove to the nurses that I didn't need a 3rd catheter after that 1-for-2 experience.

-- "YOU'RE BACK?"
...is what most of the nurses said to me during the past week. Even the ones that didn't have me under their care before, but saw my name on the roster previously. I stayed on the same 4-Heart floor post-surgery as I did 2 months ago, and as a result the staff here recognized me (despite the haircut I got that threw off everyone at work). Even the dude from wheelchair transport recognized me this morning as he wheeled me downstairs for an x-ray.

-- TAPE
While the Foley catheter and the twice-a-day heparin shots still rank at the top of worst hospital experiences so far, they are joined now by pulling-tape-off-from-skin. This tape pulling is done frequently when the nurses have to change the chest tube dressing daily.

-- VICODIN
In an effort to wean me away from IV drugs for pain relief, they decided to start feeding me Vicodin yesterday. The nurse decided that the full dose of 2 pills was adequate for me, so 2 pills went down, and I was knocked out cold in broad daylight. I literally passed out on the bed after lunch and woke up when dinner came in 5 hours later. After that, they decided to feed me 1 pill at a time when needed. However, I still prefer the IV drug Dilaudid. It packs a more subtle knock-out punch as well as an all-around numbing sensation immediately after injection. Good stuff.

-- FLASHBACK: MY CLOSEST ENCOUNTER WITH A FUTURE OLYMPIC SWIMMER
3 years ago (in 2005) I qualified in 1 lone event for the Speedo Champions Series (also known as USA sectionals) in Long Island, so I got to travel with the team down there for 5 days and swim my 2 events (you get a bonus event for each qualifying event, because otherwise people like me would only go to the meet to swim 1 event, and that's no fun). I DFL'ed (dead fucking last) in my qualifying 100 breaststroke, and got 2nd-to-last in my bonus event 200 breaststroke. Despite that, it was a fun time. Anyways, back to the story. It was at that particular Speedo Champions Series meet where a 12-year-old girl was pulling off victories (literally winning events) over high school and college swimmers like us. And if I remember correctly, that 12-year-old's name was Elizabeth Beisel. 3 years later as I'm watching the Beijing Olympics on TV in the hospital, the 15-year-old Beisel (apparently the youngest member of the USA swim team at the Olympics) made it to the finals in the 200-meter backstroke and placed 5th. How cool is that?

-- MICHAEL PHELPS
That man can swim. Those were some fun races to watch. Congratulations.